Today it’s just another one of those days where I’m haunted by the past.
The day wasn’t supposed to be like this. I had planned to meet Elton for dinner so I woke up earlier to look prettier for the day. I wore makeup. It was a feat because I have been going out barefaced ever since I felt more confident in showing my skin and i’m just too lazy.
I got to work happily but there was bad news. It wasn’t regarding me but it affected me nonetheless.
Apparently, my colleague’s husband has been cheating on her.
It immediately took me back to him. How I trusted him and gave so much to him. My voice nearly cracked while I told my colleague the reason why I could relate to her situation.
Betrayal stings. No matter what.
I’m exasperated at myself for being this way. Time to time, I find myself thinking about him, looking at his window, wondering how is he now. I know I shouldn’t be doing this now but I cannot control myself. I know it’s in the past and I don’t yearn to be together with him.
If I could feel this amount of hurt by being together with him for 3 years, what about my colleague who has been married?
She told me that the guy really loved her to the point that he would commit suicide for her. But things still turn out this way after time. It was really a point of no return for them. The guy’s heart was already dead.
Why do people do this to another person who loves them so wholeheartedly?
How can the third party even attempt to steal your guy away fully knowing he’s taken? However, in my opinion, everyone involved has a blame to shoulder:
For losing the attention of your guy
For being a slut
It’s been about 1.5 years since it happened but the hurt just doesn’t go away. Thinking about it makes me sad, angry, and sometimes even bringing on tears.
I don’t know if i’ll ever feel okay about it but i do know I’ve gotten better at managing my feelings towards it.
These are toxic thoughts. Negative feelings. They weigh me down. It sets my brain and my heart into overdrive.
I worry for my friends when they face heartbreaks.
I don’t know how much can I trust Elton that he’ll continue to love me in the future.
I give the people around me boundless love. I give because when they are happy, I’m happy too. It scares me all the same; because all these might just crumble one day.
I was affected then; I am still affected now.
I just want to be okay.