Forever doesn’t last.

25 Dec 2017.
Not too sure when I first started harboring such thoughts. But it’s becoming a thing that I think about often these days.

15 May 2018.
Everything has crumbled. Do I want to build it back up? Is it worth it?


Finding that motivation

That’s the key to success. Literally. Without it, you can’t achieve anything.

Although I knew about it, I’ve never understood the importance of it. I was always like why others simply just can’t do it. The closest I’ve ever felt to having a lack of motivation was just procrastination. But I can’t say so now.

I was excited before school started, until reality fucked me up. I wasn’t inspired, I didn’t feel like doing anything related to school. I couldn’t find that spark to keep me going. One drawing after another, one model after another. I feel as though I’m only completing my work for the sake of it. There is barely an sense of satisfaction; everything is just going downhill. Initially, I thought it was because school has just started and I haven’t matched pace. Two more weeks and it’s the end of this semester. What have I been doing all this time? 

I struggled a lot internally. There were so much built up frustrations with the lack of inspiration, the disappointment in myself, the quality of the work I was producing. It was so overwhelming at times I felt so suffocated and thought really poorly of myself, and I couldn’t find an outlet of release. 

I can’t understand all of the stress. I am taking a more relaxed attitude towards school than last year, trying to manage a better school-life balance. Somehow it just doesn’t work out.  As for now, I’m just trying my best not to give into the stress and work whatever I can within my ability and timeframe. 

I am not at my best, but with whatever I am now, I am trying really hard to be better. 
I’m not going to give up. I don’t have to lose.

Like how I’m not giving up on myself.
I have been starting to enjoy my exercise sessions more and I look forward to burning those calories. It is so tough while doing it but pushing myself to go just a little more; at the end of it I feel proud of my accomplishment. It’s not all flowers and rainbows. There are many days where I feel like absolute crap while going on a run. But I’ve still done it, and I will never regret it because something is better than nothing. I can’t wait for the holidays so that I’ll be able to have a more regular schedule to train myself. School is just so busy and crappy these days. 

Two more weeks.

Somewhere in between.

What happens when a breakdown is impending but you just can’t get yourself to do so?

You feel like absolute crap.

And that’s what I’ve been experiencing for weeks now.

I’m not doing well at all. 

I’ve never felt so down in my life. So unmotivated. So stuck.

It sucks. Because the way I operate usually is just pushing myself to work harder and harder. And when I cannot take it, I cry, release the buildup of emotions, and then stand up again.

I don’t understand why is it so different this time round. Help


Yet another chapter. 2016 was a really happening year for me.

“Moving on, graduating, freelancing, college; new experiences, discovering truths and myself, meeting new people, foster stronger relationships”

I had a really bad start to the year. Never did i imagine i’d experience a meltdown like that.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”

 It took quite awhile, loads of care and support from those around me to get me back up on my feet.  I don’t regret my decision for I am in a better place right now. I’m striving hard for what I love, i have support and love from my close ones too. I’ll get better.