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Faded

It’s becoming a habit – writing in here.
I wish I didn’t have so many things to say.

I met Cheryl today.
We talked for hours about many things.
Including our future.

Is Elton going to be part of my future?

I’m so upset thinking about this.
How is he sure that he will be in my future then?
I’m driven to achieve my goal. He has a goal too. But his goal doesn’t seem realistic; at least not with his personality, his temper. 

He has many shortcomings. I’m sure I have them too. 
Sometimes it’s so overwhelming I wish he was who I thought he was at the beginning. But that wouldn’t be him wouldn’t it?
Was he just putting on a show? Only showing the nicest side.

Another lesson to learndon’t give your heart away so freely

Always so quick to trust. So quick to fall. I have barely even gotten time to know him.
Now my heart and future is at stake for my recklessness.

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Route to Recovery

Today it’s just another one of those days where I’m haunted by the past. 

The day wasn’t supposed to be like this. I had planned to meet Elton for dinner so I woke up earlier to look prettier for the day. I wore makeup. It was a feat because I have been going out barefaced ever since I felt more confident in showing my skin and i’m just too lazy. 

I got to work happily but there was bad news. It wasn’t regarding me but it affected me nonetheless.
Apparently, my colleague’s husband has been cheating on her.

It immediately took me back to him. How I trusted him and gave so much to him. My voice nearly cracked while I told my colleague the reason why I could relate to her situation.
Betrayal stings. No matter what.

I’m exasperated at myself for being this way. Time to time, I find myself thinking about him, looking at his window, wondering how is he now. I know I shouldn’t be doing this now but I cannot control myself. I know it’s in the past and I don’t yearn to be together with him.

If I could feel this amount of hurt by being together with him for 3 years, what about my colleague who has been married?
She told me that the guy really loved her to the point that he would commit suicide for her. But things still turn out this way after time. It was really a point of no return for them. The guy’s heart was already dead. 

Why do people do this to another person who loves them so wholeheartedly? 
How can the third party even attempt to steal your guy away fully knowing he’s taken? However, in my opinion, everyone involved has a blame to shoulder:

  • The Guy
  • For infidelity.

  • The Girl
  • For losing the attention of your guy

  • The third party
  • For being a slut

    It’s been about 1.5 years since it happened but the hurt just doesn’t go away. Thinking about it makes me sad, angry, and sometimes even bringing on tears.
    I don’t know if i’ll ever feel okay about it but i do know I’ve gotten better at managing my feelings towards it.

    These are toxic thoughts. Negative feelings. They weigh me down. It sets my brain and my heart into overdrive.
    I worry for my friends when they face heartbreaks. 
    I don’t know how much can I trust Elton that he’ll continue to love me in the future. 

    I give the people around me boundless love. I give because when they are happy, I’m happy too. It scares me all the same; because all these might just crumble one day.

    I was affected then; I am still affected now. 

    I just want to be okay. 

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    Tipping the scale

    4 years ago I weighed 42kg. I wanted to be at 40kg instead.
    4 years later I weigh 46kg. I want to be at 43kg instead.

    I thought I was becoming fat then.
    Now I am on the route to being one.
    Chubby cheeks. Round tummy. Fat thighs.

    I used to eat lesser.
    1 hour ago, I ate mala hotpot. I ate 4Fingers for dinner and had fries & ice lemon tea with it. Lunch was char kuey.

    How do people restrict themselves?

    I was once able to.

    I ate lesser. Cut out snacks. And even limited my sugar intake.
    It was tough. It took forever for me to lose a kg.

    I always think I have things rough. But looking back, it’s never the case.
    I’m determined to cut back this time round. It is so hard. I can barely even restrict the amount of food i eat. 
     I crave for sugar. And I snack too.

    Now, I run jog once a week.
    I know that’s not enough. I can’t run. I hate running. But I’m still doing it. All for the sake of losing weight and trying to be healthy.

     The calories I burn while running is so low yet what goes in increases by ten folds.
    I always look at others. I envy them.
    How can they be so skinny. How do they have the determination to exercise. Why was I borned this way.

    I am almost desperate for solutions for me to be slim but fit.
    I heard green tea is good.
    I hate tea. But I am willing to try to get into the habit for the sake of it’s benefits. 

    How long will it take me to get there?

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    Conflicting viewpoints

    Elton.

    The source of my happiness and heartaches. How can someone make you so happy and sad at the same time. It makes me scared to think about what I would feel if we ever break up. It is almost a year into our relationship but I feel I love him more than any other. It scares me that i feel so intensely for him

    It has never been smooth sailing in our relationship with so many obstacles in our way.  I get really angry each time we argue but then I get really sad after. How can he make me feel this way. Why does he not see things my way?

    It never feels good to be in an argument. 

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    2017.

    Yet another chapter. 2016 was a really happening year for me.

    “Moving on, graduating, freelancing, college; new experiences, discovering truths and myself, meeting new people, foster stronger relationships”

    I had a really bad start to the year. Never did i imagine i’d experience a meltdown like that.

    “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”

     It took quite awhile, loads of care and support from those around me to get me back up on my feet.  I don’t regret my decision for I am in a better place right now. I’m striving hard for what I love, i have support and love from my close ones. What else is there to ask for?